


Attorney Emblem: FCC Edition

by Egg_Lute



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Net Neutrality fandom
Genre: F/F, M/M, wow i love writing crackfics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 04:23:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13159197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Egg_Lute/pseuds/Egg_Lute
Summary: Niles, Eirika, and Pixpi all team up to sue the FCC





	Attorney Emblem: FCC Edition

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TalonDick](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TalonDick/gifts).



Attorney Emblem: FCC Edition

 

This couldn’t be happening. Everything felt so surreal. The FCC repealed the internet, so after some careful planning, local pervert Selin and some prosecutor, Pixpiss, I think, and Eirika? Whatever, they teamed up to sue the FCC or something like that. Anyways, back to the courtroom.

 

The jury mumbled as the defendant, the prosecutor, and the victim (Saliva) walked into the courtroom.

 

The case was about to begin.

 

The judge walked into the courtroom, sat in her chair, and slammed her gavel.

“Alright bitches, where the fuck’s the lawyer?” Cried the judge. Who was an egg??? How the hell did she even manage the gavel without hands or arms for that matter? Why was she wearing Spandex? Did she cosplay Widowmaker before going into court? wh-

Phosphodiester, The Lesbian Agenda, and Sulfur all smirked as Pai looked around helplessly without a lawyer. He *was* an idiot after all, so it made sense he wouldn’t defend himself. It was his only smart move. However, as a dirty capitalist, where was his lawyer? Supposedly, they were one of the best. This fact terrified the three small gays on the opposing side of the totally-not-stolen-from-ace-attorney courtroom.

 

The judge, egg Lute, cried again into the room. “Where’s the Lawyer holy shit I’m on a schedule jesus christ.” wait how the fuck did she just talk? Her lips didn’t mo- Oh my god. She doesn’t have facial features, that’s sharpie.

 

Hyussy spoke loudly with an almost lenny face going on as he said “Your eggner, since the lawyer isn’t showing, can we please start the case?”

 

Suddenly, the doors to the large chamber opened, revealing a disgusting face. No, why him?? Gods no. Julia in the crowd paled, a couple people threw up. Preghardt ran out of the room.

 

Dark Alfonse stepped to Paiussy’s side.

 

“God damnit not you” stated Lute. “Whatever.” she said, as a pair of detached legs with sexe heels clacked onto the bench.

 

“Pixpussy, you may state your case.”  


“Yes, your eggner. As you all know, pisspai over there repealed Net neutrality, however, he ignored millions of people’s voices against his idiotic decision and is attempted to remove a human right for millions of Daeinian’s. There isn’t much to say. Case closed. I’ll be going for the jugular now.” Pixpi stated her legendary decree and dropped a microphone into the empty courtroo- OH FOR FUCKS SAKE NOT THIS STATIC.

“Incredible argument, Darcfonse, what the hell is your defense?”

 

“***OBJECTION***” shouted spussystan11.

Eirika slapped the bitch across the head “What are you doing? You can’t do that!”

 

“Overruled!” stated the egg with a new face, a thonk face.

Darcfonse stood his ground, it would have been admirable, had it not have been for his horrific sense of a moral compass.

 

He opened his mouth and an unspeakable torment of words came pouring into the room.

 

“Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the fuck out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point that it feels fucking weird when I go and take a piss.”

 

Egg Lute was stunned. She quickly erased the sharpie from her face and drew on an angered face.

 

Forgotten blue twin #2 piped up. “Your eggner, what relevance does this have to the case? Can we please ignore this Hot Topic ™ mascot and focus on the case?”

 

But barkhead wouldn’t let up. “I’m egg prejudiced” he said with a proud look on his face.

 

His doctrine stunned the jury. No, he didn’t just do that. None of this looked good for pusspuss and his FCC (Fuck Csmart Citizens). As much as Luigi disliked Souphead, his husband was nice, bland and boring, but tolerable at least. Not to mention, not egg prejudiced.

 

Pixpi broke the intolerable silence. “Your Eggussy, these rats have been conspiring against the Hyussies of the world and must be punished! (Cornered from AA began to play) Look at them! They’ve single handedly destroyed the lives of millions of innocent civilians and deserve the worst punishment possible!”

 

Sieglesbian knew what had to be done, she stood up and with a single tear, said what needed to be said.

 

“SAW YOU HANGIN’ OUT WITH THE FCC YESTERDAY” Lute cried a single tear, she knew what was about to happen.

 

“R-REBECCA, IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK” He fell for it, Pear tried to win support with a meme, and it would be his downfall.

 

“I WON’T HESITATE ***BITCH***” Screamed Eirika as she threw Pixpi in a direct course to his Jugular.

 

The court stopped entirely as Pixpi swiftlypi endedpi hispi lifepi.

 

Lasagna slammed her gavel before darcfonse could respond. “ORDER IN THE GODDAMN COURT YOU HEATHENS”.

 

Slorse spoke up “nobody said anything though?”

  
Lute pointed her gavel at Selin “Fuck you in particular! Anyways, I rule that the internet will become free again. Darcfonse, meet me behind the nearby Denny’s in about 15 minutes.” She said, her cold lips frozen in place.

 

Lute stood on her detached legs through the sheer power of superiority and watched as Darcfonse paced towards her.

 

“To make a long fuckin story short, I put a whole bag of jellybeans up my ass”.

 

God, even outside of court he was cursed as *fuck*.

 

Lute pulled something out of her drawn on hyussy. The Widow’s Kiss.

 

“Go outside, touch grass, bitch”.

  


The next morning Lute turned on the news to see a bold headline:

  


Lute listened to the reporter speak about this “tragedy”. “Darc Souls III was found dead in the river this morning. It is unknown of how such an event occured but…” Lute stopped listening to the reporter. She stared ahead into the camera as if she were on the office. Her cold, empty, emotionless eyes told a sickening story. But alas, her work was done. All’s a day’s work for the life of an egg judge.

 

Epilogue

Lute lived her life as an egg judge, calling people bitches and doing what was right for the people.

 

Pixpi joined a discord server and spent her years kinkshaming people over the internet, including those without kinks.

 

Eirika shortly thereafter, married.  It was a joyous occasion for all involved (by the power invested in her superiority, Lute married Eirika to her wife).

 

Selin however, went home to his husband and spent the rest of his life being cursed as his husband Corrin attempted (and failed) to stop him.

 

Two years after the incident, the four all met for lunch at a small cafe nearby Darcfonse’s grave. It was a wonderful day out. Pixpi was laughing as she made fun of “midget Keith”, Eirika gave her wife a small kiss before diving into her food, and Selin? Selin drank my pepsi and called me a bitch so whatever happens to him he deserves it lmfaooooo.

 

The Hyussy


End file.
